My First Gaze at Evil


My favourite movie genre has always been horror, thriller and action. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I will be facing demons of my own, which will be scarier than any horror movie I have ever seen. My own horror movie started in September 2013, when I got a call from my doctor asking "Miss Kaur do you prefer to discuss your biopsy results with me in person or over the phone right now? “

Glimpsing into flashback, earlier in May 2013, laying on the bed one night, I felt something hard in my breast. Red lights started flashing in my head, "could this be what I feared?” I got up in the middle of the night, opened Google and spent good one hour reading various sites. I had none of the typical physical symptoms, no family history and I was way younger than the usual age to get mammograms conducted. No, I thought this was just a cyst and I let go to catch back on onto my sleep. After 3 months of this discovery, I went to my aunt’s place for a girl’s night out. Before going to bed, I happened to share with my aunt about this round walnut that I could feel in in my breast. All hell broke loose when she heard of it and I got good motherly scolding. I tried my best to convince her that I was OK. But call it a mother's instinct she knew something was wrong and she would only listen to the doctor say that all was fine. So an appointment was scheduled.

Now, returning back to the horror day- my life flipped upside down when I answered the phone call standing in my kitchen. My husband had gone to work and I was just waiting for him to have lunch together. It was my doctor on the phone to discuss my biopsy results. Then I heard the dreadful words "You have cancer".  That “ONE MOMENT” can be so powerful that in less than a minute, it can change the way you take life, the way you perceive things and the way you treat people around you because, in that one moment, you understand the biggest truth of all DEATH. Yes, I cried, the moment was surreal to me-this could not happen, not now when I had just started my married life. I was scheduled for an appointment with a specialist within 1 hour of my diagnosis.

While walking towards the bus stop, I looked at the people walking their dogs, I looked at the flowers, the trees, the white picket fences, the children playing in the park, I looked around me and the world seemed more beautiful than ever. I wanted to live a lot more than I thought I will. More than anything else I thought about my parents, siblings, and the amazing life partner, whom I had come to love as much. That half hour journey to the doctor’s clinic was one of the longest I have ever taken because it was full of one emotion "UNCERTAINTY".

Doctor's visit was of little help, because no matter what he would say, I was incapable of processing what had just happened to my life.  Denial kicked in and it pretty much stayed for the next 2 days. I thought of everyone who loved me. By the end of second day, I had two things clear in my head- first; my husband had already lost his parents, now he is not losing his wife. And the second thing- my mother had already lost her husband, she for sure was not losing her daughter.  With that thought, implanted in my brain, I was determined to fight this evil with all my Will, Heart, Body and Soul. I promised to myself that I would make it through and I would not let my smile fade away over the course of my fight. I promised to smile, not only for myself, but for my family, friends and all my loved ones.

A fight was about to begin- a fight for my life. I knew I would win it with the help of both of my Fathers, up in the Heaven!